Ouch!

A couple of disturbing things happened today. 1) I got a package in the mail. A small, pretty package addressed to "The __________ Family" as a "special gift". Inside were some samples of various types of Kotex products. 2) I received an email from my sister-in-law about Christmas. It's only October 22! Don't rush me...

...And Nana received a newsy letter from OS. This in itself, would cause a bare ripple across my healing psyche, but it's never "in itself" is it? The ripples travel outward, growing larger and consuming more and more of the calm. I ended up ripping the scab off "The Estrangement" part of my heart.

It's funny (or it would be in vastly "other" circumstances) what infuriates me. I refuse to credit any motives to OS's letter other than a desire to keep in touch with Nana. However, it was through the blatant manipulations of D.I.L.ly that Nana is so involved that she finally called a halt. Months ago, Nana left a message on OS's voice mail that she no longer wanted contact with D.I.Lly and therefore with OS, if D.I.L.ly needed to be present. Nana did not consult me before she did this, she did not ask for my opinion or advice. But, she did it in my name. And, while I understand why she did it that way, and while on most days I'm benign about it, today, I was furious.

I have gone to pains, not to provoke anyone into a confrontational relationship. I have only spoken to family to defend myself and others who happen on the periphery of this awful conflict. And yet today, because of a letter, I have to sooth the feelings of my mother at the expense of my own. I have to defend innocent members of the family against her accusations of "fanning the flame". I have to consider where the next "shoe will drop" and on whom. I have to anticipate a dreadful holiday season, a time that is traditionally stressful for reasons other than "The Estrangement". And I just wanted someone to acknowledge ME. I'm OS's mother for God's sake! I don't always want to be the strong, rational one!

This is only the second time in this almost two years of emotional trauma that I have been angry. The other time was last Halloween when OS, D.I.Lly and their dog dressed up as black sheep for the annual "Pet Parade". I was busting an emotional gut trying to facilitate some sort of peace and reconciliation and they saw themselves as the outcasts? I told you "it's funny" what I "choose" to be livid about.

Anyway, I spoke (vented) to Daughter and Tall One and received sympathy and council. But, I was still feeling very, very unsettled. So, I emailed A. I didn't say much and I wasn't coherent, but the ramble in writing soothed me quickly. And this is today's conclusion:

It's good that the scab is periodically pulled off. There's a lot of rotten, putrid stuff building up. And if it gets released, before it ruptures, that saves a trip to the emergency room and massive doses of antibiotics. I really am better now. And even better for recording it here.

If anyone cares, I'm drinking less and for all the right reasons.