Hope or No Hope

Disclaimer: I'm not flipping out, finally losing it big-time. I'm amazed that even when things are relatively "quiet", there's still so much happening emotionally. I've really been struggling with sending O.S. a birthday card. And, mostly, because of that I've tried once again to analyze my motivations in our estrangement, and contemplate any ramifications of overt action. Also, sometime in February is the anniversary of the birthday dinner that launched all of the "mayhem and foolishness".

Isn't it "strange" how profoundly a simple pretense can affect us? I was amazed at the strength of the "alarm" I felt when, right before Christmas, D.I.L.ly sent a sarcastic email to some family members. It wasn't sent to me. It mentioned me only by implication. And, yet I felt punched in the gut. I found myself replaying everything, testing again all the decisions and consequences. Wondering, worrying, and internally bleeding.

I worried about the effects on my husband and daughter. I couldn't believe that, in spite of my "sacrifice", staying away and quiet, D.I.L.ly just might try and use me once again to bludgeon O.S.. That she was stirring, that it wasn't ever "over".

I read a book. I've actually read a whole lot of books...but I read one recently that "applies". It's called "The Sociopath Next Door", by Martha Stout. I AM NOT RECOMMENDING THIS BOOK. Read it if you want, it's easily understandable and absolutely fascinating. I read it in one sitting. I couldn't put it down. But, it's DANGEROUS to diagnose, to read anything into this situation without careful, thoughtful, skepticism. For estrangement, any estrangement, there are many causes and theories in abundance! I picked up this book, because, when all my problems with D.I.L.ly began there were strong indications that this was more than a personality conflict or a misunderstanding. D.I.L.ly was exhibiting even physical symptoms that something was seriously "wrong". I considered bi-polar disorder, Borderline Personality Disorder seemed a "better fit". I was strongly advised by our family counselor NOT to assume a diagnosis. I've been studious about that. But, there is something really, really broken or missing in D.I.L.ly. Something vast and frightening, something so HUGE, and yet I missed it or excused it, or ignored it, for over TEN YEARS!

I am not diagnosing my daughter-in-law! What caused me to pick up this book, was the wrongness of D.I.L.ly's emotions and reactions. The utter strangeness of the motivations she put on me, Daughter, and Tall One. The relentlessness. The feeling that nothing short of total annihilation would bring D.I.L.ly "peace". She truly wanted to destroy me. I began locking our doors. Tall One advised Dude to file a police report. I'm not in the habit of overreacting. Tall One is a study in calm apathetic denial.

But, even though I'm not allowed to diagnose, I gleaned some important insights from this book.

1). It was impossible for me to recognize or understand D.I.L.ly's mind. I do not have a point of reference. I could lock myself in a dark room, and by surviving, get a feel for what it's like to be blind. But, I can't take from my mind, the missing, broken part of D.I.L.ly, and then be able to empathize. The only thing I could do, which is common, is excuse, explain, or rationalize her actions within the framework of my experience. I couldn't see this coming. This is beyond my wildest imagination. I didn't fail her by missing something "fixable" or avoidable. It doesn't matter how much I love her, how much I hurt for her. She is beyond my reach.

2). D.I.L.ly is beyond repair. I will never be able to have a relationship with her, and therefore, I will never be able to have a relationship with O.S. while she is his wife. This is how we raised him, for better or worse. This is what we counseled him to do. I am O.S.'s mother, I will always be his mother, nothing will ever change that. But, I will not allow anyone to use me to hurt my children if it's in my power to try and prevent that. I will remove myself from O.S.'s life so that he never has to choose, and so that D.I.L.ly doesn't have the opportunity to rant and harp and make his life a living hell over ME. I will go to extreme lengths to be invisible to D.I.L.ly, so that her focus is off of me, and I am not the one to "cause" her "pain". Sooooooo.....

3). I'm not sending O.S. a birthday card. He will be 29 on February 8. When did a birthday card become a pivotal life changing decision? I can not be a part of O.S.'s life. I do not want a "reconciliation". I don't want my actions misinterpreted. My non-actions will be misinterpreted, I'm almost certain, if D.I.L.ly thinks about it, but her focus is totally self-centered. She has limited "vision". So, if I don't move (don't do anything to draw attention to myself), she may not even think of me.

4). I trust my son. I don't have to deal with the issues of immaturity, and blatant disrespect that some mothers with estranged children struggle. O.S. was extremely angry with me. I've never seen him so angry. But, he was never abusive. And, neither of us has ever said anything to each other that needs to be "undone". Even, as I believe he still loves me, I trust he knows that I love him, and if he needs to, he will be able to make his way back.

5). And if he never makes it "home"? Before the estrangement, when I was locking my doors, and Daughter and Grandsons were practically living at my house when Dude wasn't home, I had to seriously consider the possibility of D.I.L.ly harming - ok, killing, my son. I have no "proof" of violence. She never threatened bodily harm. She never made a move to physically hurt any of us, and yet, it's there, lurking. Shouldn't I just storm their home and drag my son away? Put him in "deprogramming"? Save him? I choose not to. I understand O.S.'s love for D.I.L.ly. I understand that he would gladly sacrifice anything for her. I respect that. He would not thank me. He has to see this through, where ever it goes. And, I have to let him. Ok, this is EXTREME. But, in a less martyr-ish scenario? Even if I do see him again, what will I get back, who will he be? I have to accept that inevitability.

5). I will concentrate on the people that love me, and that I can have in my life. I will continue to reach out to those I can, even though I'm scared.

6). None of this makes it hurt any less.

I don't know that O.S. will ever come back. But, I choose to believe that he will live a good life, find happiness, and prosper. I anticipate emotionally "bleeding" from my unhealed heart quite often in the future. I don't think that D.I.L.ly has a clue. This is how she is, she can't grow a conscience any more than someone can grow a missing limb.