What's the Worst That Could Happen?

I'm feeling a bit distracted, well, OK, a lot distracted. Daughter gave us a bit of a scare the other weekend. She's dangerously near the end of her pregnancy. Like Bigger One, and Baby, this Little Girl has dropped and Daughter is in a lot of pain with her "split hips" and general pregnancy related discomfort. Two weekends ago, Daughter spent Sunday on our sofa. She didn't look well. She felt ill, had steady contractions, and we weren't sure if she was starting labor - and, boy if she would have been, it didn't look like it was going to be easy. Fortunately she had a doctor's appointment on Monday. Unfortunately, they couldn't tell her anything. Doc scheduled an ultrasound for Tuesday because Daughter had lost weight and her abdomen wasn't measuring as large as two weeks before. Daughter was still feeling awful, really awful, so Tall One and I kept the boys overnight. This was a blessed relief. They kept me occupied. I was more worried and scared than I wanted to admit. I couldn't even verbalize my concern or helplessness - just deny.

Tuesday morning, Daughter had the ultrasound, all is well with Baby Girl. She was about six pounds. Daughter rested. Dude picked everyone up from my house after work, and the house was too quiet, and I missed the boys.

Wednesday morning Daughter called, she had woke in the night with an ear ache, she was going to the doctor. It turned out she had an ear infection, was put on an antibiotic, and could now take Tylenol since she wasn't in labor. She felt much better, rapidly. I felt much better at a slower pace.

Pins and needles, needles and pins, isn't that an old pop song? I know it's an old cliche. But, that's me. For the last two weeks, I'm hyper in that nonproductive way of nervous anxiety. Fortunately, I worked for Wheeler three mornings this week. That tired me out a bit. And, I went to kickboxing Wednesday evening. That helped, too. But, I'm tremendously unfocused. Raw. Everything seems suspended. I can't quite breathe.

Tall One and I are going to Peru at the end of the month. I haven't even thought about it. I can't. ONE THING AT A TIME. Actually, my one thing at a time involves obsessive escapism. I'm online too much, distracting myself with books and TV shows. Anything to keep from thinking. When I do think, my mind is all over the place. There's an unfocused panic behind my eyes.

But, we don't have much longer to wait. My daughter is incredibly strong. My grandchildren are the delight of my life. On the other hand, in the back of my mind, where I will not go, can not stay, is the black knowledge that I couldn't bear it if Daughter died.

There, I've said it. Will that make it real, or will it now go far, far away where I never have to feel it again?