I'm feeling much better today. More "centered", whatever that means! I've realized that no matter what the future holds for my relationship with our older son, he is free. My hope is that he uses this time to sort out all the vileness of the last couple of years. I want him to know it's not his fault.
I believe there is a fundamental, unchangeable, lack in D.I.L.ly's personality. I don't believe she can get "well". I don't think she will ever completely accept that there is something grossly "wrong".
So, I can wait....but not too long!
Thursday, May 7, 2009
Wednesday, May 6, 2009
Hope Springs Eternal! (But at What Cost?)
It's been awhile since I've posted. I've been very distracted by 1.) the birth of Baby Girl, 2.) a week long trip to Peru, 3.) starting back to work, albeit 10-15 hours a week, but still, and 4.) SuperPokePets.
More on ALL of those later...
Monday, early evening, Daughter called, "Mom, it's nothing bad, but I have to talk to you and Dad right away." Well, let me tell you, THAT was the longest 3 minute, one mile drive in history! When we got to Daughter's house, she told us that our Oldest Nephew had been calling her repeatedly and leaving messages, and that they finally got to talk right before she called Tall One and me. O.N. doesn't get on his MySpace account very often, but apparently, about a week ago he did. He is "friends" with D.l.L.ly. He clicked onto her page and noticed that 1.) there were no pictures of O.S., 2.) there were pictures of D.I.L.ly and her "host family", and 3.) she listed her status as "single". Curious and curiouser.
O.N. contacted Daughter for O.S.'s cell phone number, and over the weekend called. D.I.L.ly left O.S. about a month and a half ago, things have been awful for a year. D.I.L.ly told O.S. that she has no feelings for him and doesn't know why they ever got married. I think she may have said she never loved him...but I may be projecting through hearing of this, what, third hand? D.I.L.ly is living with a "host family" (whatever that is) in New England. O.S. is still living with the friend he and D.I.L.ly moved in with originally. O.S. has the dog.
O.S. also told his cousin that he wasn't sure he could ever make things right with his family. Or something eluding to that sentiment. O.N. told him that family always sticks by you, and O.N. would know. He's had his fair share of serious life altering problems...but, we all love him, and we're supporting him the best we know how.
Tied into all of this "information" is the phone call I had with Master's, our younger son's wife, a little over a week ago. She told me that she hasn't talked to D.I.L.ly in a long time, but that she and PhD, our younger son, had a phone call from O.S. a few weeks ago. He was in Ohio, picking up a van that he had purchased, and wanted to stay over at their home on his way to driving back to New England. Master's told me that he was planning on traveling (in the van), and this information was confirmed by O.N.'s phone conversation with O.S. Master's gave no indication that she knew of the separation, or that D.I.L.ly and O.S. were having problems.
So, that's the background information. Now for the emotional turmoil.
1.) (I'm all about numbers, and points of order in this post, aren't I?) I can't believe that our son has to go through this alone. The entire time that D.I.L.ly and O.S. were "officially" an "item" they were virtually inseparable. O.S. was relentlessly and systematically cut off from his friends and family. There were times when we remarked about their obvious lack of a need for anyone, or anything outside of their relationship...but, we were really ok with that, it was just different.
2.) I can't believe that O.S. sold his home, quit a job that he loved, put his possessions into storage and moved hundreds of miles away, to be "abandoned" in less than a year.
3.) My initial reaction was, "Get in the car we'll talk on the road!". I want to see my son.
4.) I'm glad that I wasn't able to act on my first impulse. Through talking with my husband and daughter and her husband, and calling my nephew, I realize that a month and a half of separation isn't that long...and there may be lots of reasons to give O.S. some time. Would it be easier for him to begin renewed contact with a letter or email? Would he actually receive either of those? There was a time when we weren't at all sure that O.S. saw emails, or received phone messages. Could D.I.L.ly still have access to those avenues of communication?
5.) I have no idea what O.S. believes about our estrangement, about the awful stories and our hellacious motives that D.I.L.ly clung to so tenaciously in spite of our best efforts to explain. I have no idea how deeply entrenched the one-sided distortions and outright lies have become, what valid and true memories have been displaced.
6.) Maybe O.S. is somewhat relieved. Although, I would imagine, lost and bewildered.
7.) D.I.L.ly may come back some day.
So, for now we've adopted a "wait and see" attitude. I can't tell you how many times a day I take out my cell phone and just look at it. I have refrained, thus far, from actually scrolling for O.S.'s number. Checking my email has taken on a new urgency. Every time our shop phone rings, I pray.
I don't feel well. Sometimes I can hardly breath. Now, that the opportunity presents itself, I WANT MY SON BACK. I want to talk to him on the phone, go and see where he's been living, take walks with the dog, eat his home made bread, find out about his job, discuss his travel plans, find out if he has cable, or Internet, I want a HUG.
I really can't discuss this with any other family members than the ones already involved. The last times I saw O.S. he was extremely angry with me for "turning the family against" D.I.L.ly (her words, not his). He couldn't understand why I had to talk about things to my mother. Things that D.I.L.ly had talked to her about FIRST. I was doing damage control on a situation I didn't want and hadn't precipitated.
Tall One and Dude are ecstatic! Almost giddy. But, both are realistic. This could take years and D.I.L.ly could come back, and then we would have to distance ourselves again. Daughter is supportive. It hasn't even been 48 hours, and I feel like it's been months.
My hope is that O.S. will reach out on Mother's Day. Or on Tall One's birthday, the next day. Either of those gestures would be huge. Holiday's and birthday's were never a big deal with immediate family. We acknowledge them with a card or gift and perhaps dinner. It's never been a measure of our love for one another, at least in Tall One's or my mind. And, the gesture doesn't have to be to us. If O.S. would call Nana. Or, if I would hear something from PhD. Anything that would indicate that O.S.'s separation was "public". Our nephew told us that O.S. would be making some phone calls this week.
I'm trying to stay cerebral about all of this. When I begin to feel, I find myself completely crushed. Burdened enough to never be able to stand under the weight. I can't even begin to imagine what would happen if I would hear O.S.'s voice on the other end of the phone...but that's what I want more than anything.
More on ALL of those later...
Monday, early evening, Daughter called, "Mom, it's nothing bad, but I have to talk to you and Dad right away." Well, let me tell you, THAT was the longest 3 minute, one mile drive in history! When we got to Daughter's house, she told us that our Oldest Nephew had been calling her repeatedly and leaving messages, and that they finally got to talk right before she called Tall One and me. O.N. doesn't get on his MySpace account very often, but apparently, about a week ago he did. He is "friends" with D.l.L.ly. He clicked onto her page and noticed that 1.) there were no pictures of O.S., 2.) there were pictures of D.I.L.ly and her "host family", and 3.) she listed her status as "single". Curious and curiouser.
O.N. contacted Daughter for O.S.'s cell phone number, and over the weekend called. D.I.L.ly left O.S. about a month and a half ago, things have been awful for a year. D.I.L.ly told O.S. that she has no feelings for him and doesn't know why they ever got married. I think she may have said she never loved him...but I may be projecting through hearing of this, what, third hand? D.I.L.ly is living with a "host family" (whatever that is) in New England. O.S. is still living with the friend he and D.I.L.ly moved in with originally. O.S. has the dog.
O.S. also told his cousin that he wasn't sure he could ever make things right with his family. Or something eluding to that sentiment. O.N. told him that family always sticks by you, and O.N. would know. He's had his fair share of serious life altering problems...but, we all love him, and we're supporting him the best we know how.
Tied into all of this "information" is the phone call I had with Master's, our younger son's wife, a little over a week ago. She told me that she hasn't talked to D.I.L.ly in a long time, but that she and PhD, our younger son, had a phone call from O.S. a few weeks ago. He was in Ohio, picking up a van that he had purchased, and wanted to stay over at their home on his way to driving back to New England. Master's told me that he was planning on traveling (in the van), and this information was confirmed by O.N.'s phone conversation with O.S. Master's gave no indication that she knew of the separation, or that D.I.L.ly and O.S. were having problems.
So, that's the background information. Now for the emotional turmoil.
1.) (I'm all about numbers, and points of order in this post, aren't I?) I can't believe that our son has to go through this alone. The entire time that D.I.L.ly and O.S. were "officially" an "item" they were virtually inseparable. O.S. was relentlessly and systematically cut off from his friends and family. There were times when we remarked about their obvious lack of a need for anyone, or anything outside of their relationship...but, we were really ok with that, it was just different.
2.) I can't believe that O.S. sold his home, quit a job that he loved, put his possessions into storage and moved hundreds of miles away, to be "abandoned" in less than a year.
3.) My initial reaction was, "Get in the car we'll talk on the road!". I want to see my son.
4.) I'm glad that I wasn't able to act on my first impulse. Through talking with my husband and daughter and her husband, and calling my nephew, I realize that a month and a half of separation isn't that long...and there may be lots of reasons to give O.S. some time. Would it be easier for him to begin renewed contact with a letter or email? Would he actually receive either of those? There was a time when we weren't at all sure that O.S. saw emails, or received phone messages. Could D.I.L.ly still have access to those avenues of communication?
5.) I have no idea what O.S. believes about our estrangement, about the awful stories and our hellacious motives that D.I.L.ly clung to so tenaciously in spite of our best efforts to explain. I have no idea how deeply entrenched the one-sided distortions and outright lies have become, what valid and true memories have been displaced.
6.) Maybe O.S. is somewhat relieved. Although, I would imagine, lost and bewildered.
7.) D.I.L.ly may come back some day.
So, for now we've adopted a "wait and see" attitude. I can't tell you how many times a day I take out my cell phone and just look at it. I have refrained, thus far, from actually scrolling for O.S.'s number. Checking my email has taken on a new urgency. Every time our shop phone rings, I pray.
I don't feel well. Sometimes I can hardly breath. Now, that the opportunity presents itself, I WANT MY SON BACK. I want to talk to him on the phone, go and see where he's been living, take walks with the dog, eat his home made bread, find out about his job, discuss his travel plans, find out if he has cable, or Internet, I want a HUG.
I really can't discuss this with any other family members than the ones already involved. The last times I saw O.S. he was extremely angry with me for "turning the family against" D.I.L.ly (her words, not his). He couldn't understand why I had to talk about things to my mother. Things that D.I.L.ly had talked to her about FIRST. I was doing damage control on a situation I didn't want and hadn't precipitated.
Tall One and Dude are ecstatic! Almost giddy. But, both are realistic. This could take years and D.I.L.ly could come back, and then we would have to distance ourselves again. Daughter is supportive. It hasn't even been 48 hours, and I feel like it's been months.
My hope is that O.S. will reach out on Mother's Day. Or on Tall One's birthday, the next day. Either of those gestures would be huge. Holiday's and birthday's were never a big deal with immediate family. We acknowledge them with a card or gift and perhaps dinner. It's never been a measure of our love for one another, at least in Tall One's or my mind. And, the gesture doesn't have to be to us. If O.S. would call Nana. Or, if I would hear something from PhD. Anything that would indicate that O.S.'s separation was "public". Our nephew told us that O.S. would be making some phone calls this week.
I'm trying to stay cerebral about all of this. When I begin to feel, I find myself completely crushed. Burdened enough to never be able to stand under the weight. I can't even begin to imagine what would happen if I would hear O.S.'s voice on the other end of the phone...but that's what I want more than anything.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
