Guilt 101

Wow! Can it almost be a YEAR since I've posted?? Actually, it seems much longer.....

I live in a state of constant self-imposed guilt...because I firmly believe that NO ONE can impose guilt on you! Oh, they can try...but, if you aren't predisposed to assume the guilt it just rolls off you like water off a duck's back! I, apparently, am a sponge...sucking up the guilt from the air like a dehumidifier!

I can NEVER do enough, be enough, care enough to do or be enough! It probably started with Nana...and unrealistic expectations. Then it was fanned and nurtured by years in a fundamentalist Christian religious cult! I probably should seek therapy...but boxed wine is much cheaper and infinitely more enjoyable.

And, I'm tired. Bone tired. I'm not sure what that's about. I'm assuming it's something to do with hormonal fluctuations precipitated by change-of-life. But, who knows.

I'm not a bad person...I'm probably on the "good person" end of the spectrum...and yet, I can't rid myself of the nagging suspicion that I'm selfish.

There's a mocking bird singing in our evergreen tree as I write this. I am a Mocking Bird. I can assimilate others needs and I'm content, indeed it is my gift, to regurgitate these needs in action. I am good at this. I am content with this.....and yet....

There is a part of me that always falls short, that fails. I want desperately to have an excuse...but, there is no excuse that satisfies.

This has been a glorious day. As I sit here the moon can be seen in a blue, blue sky rising just above our newly blooming oak tree. The sun is shining, but not hotly. The birds are indeed singing and our lovely baby grand-girl (now a year old) is talking loudly in her crib. I love my life. I do. And, yet, if I'm still and quiet I feel, acutely the pain in a dear friend dying, my mother's declining physical condition and continuing neurosis-es, Daughter's pain in a difficult marital situation, the potential distruction in the lives of our grandsons (only imagined, but possible). And it's my fault. It is. Damn.