"Not Again....and again...and again..."

It's a lazy Sunday morning....

If I had my way, and I often do, all mornings would be lazy. I used to "hit the ground running". But, that was before "the decline". I hit a wall, physically, somewhere in my mid-forties...and I've never been the same. The "coup de grace" came in the form of a great personal accomplishment. I ran a marathon. In 5 hours, 18 minutes. It was the most glorious run of my life. The training almost killed me....I'm not speaking figuratively...and I've barely run since then. The spirit is willing. I miss running.

I'm a spectator in my inevitable physical decline. I expected this. I also expected that as my physical self deteriorated, my character would compensate....stop laughing...this is serious...

I am greatly troubled by my lack of integrity. I am 53 years old...and I'm desperately hoping that integrity is not a finite, fixed entity, that we aren't born with a certain amount, determined by genetics, and that's all there is - sorry.

I look at my husband, especially, and the children we've produced, and I'm shocked and amazed as the integrity oozes from every pore. They make it seem so natural, so effortless. They know just what needs to be done/said/believed and then they do/say/believe it! And, it's always fair, right, just, and magnanimous. I, on the hand, have to think, fumble, blunder into an action, then excuse, regret, and apologize for the dismal mess I made of the most innocuous situation. I will illustrate:

Daughter and I were in a grocery outlet the other day. At the checkout, I dropped the glass jar of marshmallow fluff on the floor (clumsiness is apparently another benefit of "the decline"). Fortunately, it did not shatter into a million pieces, although that would have solved the ensuring dilemma quite nicely. It would have taken any ambiguous course of action completely out of my hands, cause you HAVE to deal with a smashed jar of marshmallow cream by calling attention to it...especially in the presence of store employee witnesses. What did happen was that the jar lid cracked. I put it on the shelf and asked Daughter to get me another jar. I'm sure the clerks SAW what happened, I don't know what they THOUGHT. Daughter asked if I wanted to say something about the damaged jar with a gesture, look, and question...and I waved it off with a cavalier flair. Moments later, in the car, on the way home, the wrongness of my actions registered.

Why don't simple, honest, honorable decisions come naturally to me? Why did I immediately react as I did, by denying the obvious and taking the low road? I think this is a fundamental flaw. One, I recognize, and can sometimes have the presence of mind to override. But, what is it I lack - or possess - that causes matters of morals and conscience to loom so large in the minutia of daily interactions?

Am I fundamentally dishonest? Immature? Self absorbed? I should have been past this at puberty!

Anyone have a cave I can crawl into? Because my own solution of "try, try again" is getting awfully old, feeble and ridiculous....not unlike me....*sigh*