"Not Again....and again...and again..."

It's a lazy Sunday morning....

If I had my way, and I often do, all mornings would be lazy. I used to "hit the ground running". But, that was before "the decline". I hit a wall, physically, somewhere in my mid-forties...and I've never been the same. The "coup de grace" came in the form of a great personal accomplishment. I ran a marathon. In 5 hours, 18 minutes. It was the most glorious run of my life. The training almost killed me....I'm not speaking figuratively...and I've barely run since then. The spirit is willing. I miss running.

I'm a spectator in my inevitable physical decline. I expected this. I also expected that as my physical self deteriorated, my character would compensate....stop laughing...this is serious...

I am greatly troubled by my lack of integrity. I am 53 years old...and I'm desperately hoping that integrity is not a finite, fixed entity, that we aren't born with a certain amount, determined by genetics, and that's all there is - sorry.

I look at my husband, especially, and the children we've produced, and I'm shocked and amazed as the integrity oozes from every pore. They make it seem so natural, so effortless. They know just what needs to be done/said/believed and then they do/say/believe it! And, it's always fair, right, just, and magnanimous. I, on the hand, have to think, fumble, blunder into an action, then excuse, regret, and apologize for the dismal mess I made of the most innocuous situation. I will illustrate:

Daughter and I were in a grocery outlet the other day. At the checkout, I dropped the glass jar of marshmallow fluff on the floor (clumsiness is apparently another benefit of "the decline"). Fortunately, it did not shatter into a million pieces, although that would have solved the ensuring dilemma quite nicely. It would have taken any ambiguous course of action completely out of my hands, cause you HAVE to deal with a smashed jar of marshmallow cream by calling attention to it...especially in the presence of store employee witnesses. What did happen was that the jar lid cracked. I put it on the shelf and asked Daughter to get me another jar. I'm sure the clerks SAW what happened, I don't know what they THOUGHT. Daughter asked if I wanted to say something about the damaged jar with a gesture, look, and question...and I waved it off with a cavalier flair. Moments later, in the car, on the way home, the wrongness of my actions registered.

Why don't simple, honest, honorable decisions come naturally to me? Why did I immediately react as I did, by denying the obvious and taking the low road? I think this is a fundamental flaw. One, I recognize, and can sometimes have the presence of mind to override. But, what is it I lack - or possess - that causes matters of morals and conscience to loom so large in the minutia of daily interactions?

Am I fundamentally dishonest? Immature? Self absorbed? I should have been past this at puberty!

Anyone have a cave I can crawl into? Because my own solution of "try, try again" is getting awfully old, feeble and ridiculous....not unlike me....*sigh*

Guilt 101

Wow! Can it almost be a YEAR since I've posted?? Actually, it seems much longer.....

I live in a state of constant self-imposed guilt...because I firmly believe that NO ONE can impose guilt on you! Oh, they can try...but, if you aren't predisposed to assume the guilt it just rolls off you like water off a duck's back! I, apparently, am a sponge...sucking up the guilt from the air like a dehumidifier!

I can NEVER do enough, be enough, care enough to do or be enough! It probably started with Nana...and unrealistic expectations. Then it was fanned and nurtured by years in a fundamentalist Christian religious cult! I probably should seek therapy...but boxed wine is much cheaper and infinitely more enjoyable.

And, I'm tired. Bone tired. I'm not sure what that's about. I'm assuming it's something to do with hormonal fluctuations precipitated by change-of-life. But, who knows.

I'm not a bad person...I'm probably on the "good person" end of the spectrum...and yet, I can't rid myself of the nagging suspicion that I'm selfish.

There's a mocking bird singing in our evergreen tree as I write this. I am a Mocking Bird. I can assimilate others needs and I'm content, indeed it is my gift, to regurgitate these needs in action. I am good at this. I am content with this.....and yet....

There is a part of me that always falls short, that fails. I want desperately to have an excuse...but, there is no excuse that satisfies.

This has been a glorious day. As I sit here the moon can be seen in a blue, blue sky rising just above our newly blooming oak tree. The sun is shining, but not hotly. The birds are indeed singing and our lovely baby grand-girl (now a year old) is talking loudly in her crib. I love my life. I do. And, yet, if I'm still and quiet I feel, acutely the pain in a dear friend dying, my mother's declining physical condition and continuing neurosis-es, Daughter's pain in a difficult marital situation, the potential distruction in the lives of our grandsons (only imagined, but possible). And it's my fault. It is. Damn.

Hopeful Email.

Since speaking to our nephew concerning Older Son, I've left one voice mail message. It was very short and very vague, and I've wanted to post an email with a little more information. Until this morning, I didn't feel settled or confident enough to write anything.

After speaking with Daughter and especially Tall One, and some other close confidants, I decided to stop operating under D.I.L.ly's bizarre, ever changing expectations. I decided to once again treat my son honestly as a rational adult. I feel good about the email, the wording and the timing. When Tall One gets home from his golf game and charity event, I'll have him read it, and call O.S. to let him know we sent it.

Following is the message:

Dear O.S.,
Dad and I have been wanting to send you an email since talking to Oldest Nephew. We left one voice message on your phone, but, we want to communicate a little more about how we feel. We want you to have all the time you need to decide when (and if) to contact us.

I was sad to hear that D.I.L.ly left. Dad and I are so proud of the way you supported her. We wouldn't have expected any less. I have missed you awfully this past year, and I hate what we all went through before you left for New England. Master's mentioned that you picked up a van and spent a night at their home. Isn't it nice? I love the old woodwork, and the way they've arranged everything. And having Dairy Queen across the street? Master's said that you plan to travel, so did Oldest Nephew. I can imagine you doing that. I hope that I can hear of your adventures.

Dad and I have friends in New England. We went to visit them last fall. That's very close to where you live. It was beautiful. We could imagine you living in the mountains and loving that area. Nana shared your letter with me. I was so happy to hear that you were hiking and fishing. I always thought of you as happy. My heart is broken for you O.S., that you were not...that D.I.L.ly was not.

I am not angry. I never was. Breaking our relationship is the hardest, most hurtful thing I have ever done. I did it because I could see the hurt and anger in your eyes. I wouldn't come between you and your wife, I wouldn't make you feel like you had to choose. I never expected you to choose any other course of action than taking care of D.I.L.ly, and trying your best to make her happy and meet her needs. That's really what I had always hoped to do as a mother-in-law. I love D.I.L.ly. It just became impossible to live with her.

My biggest hope is that you will show up at our door. Maybe on your way to Your End Destination? Maybe you are already in Your End Destination!! My second greatest hope would be to hear your voice on the phone. I can't tell you how exciting it was to hear your voice mail message! It was the same! I would equally love to see an email message from you!

I don't know how you are feeling toward me now. When I cut off contact in our last counseling session with you and D.I.L.ly, I accepted that responsibility. I still do. You have every right to see and talk to anyone in the family that you want to. I have not told Nana anything that I learned from Master's or Oldest Nephew. It is my understanding that Nana's "problem" is with D.I.L.ly - never with you. Daughter and Dude know what Oldest Nephew knows, he's talked with them. I have not talked with PhD about any of this, but he and Master's will be here next weekend, and I will most likely let him know that I've emailed you. If you feel more comfortable talking with or emailing Dad, please don't hesitate to do that! He misses you. Very much.

(Paragraph deleted. Contained personal information on relative for Older Son. Unrelated to our estrangement and possible reconciliation.)

I love you, O.S.
Mom

Addendum

I'm feeling much better today. More "centered", whatever that means! I've realized that no matter what the future holds for my relationship with our older son, he is free. My hope is that he uses this time to sort out all the vileness of the last couple of years. I want him to know it's not his fault.
I believe there is a fundamental, unchangeable, lack in D.I.L.ly's personality. I don't believe she can get "well". I don't think she will ever completely accept that there is something grossly "wrong".
So, I can wait....but not too long!

Hope Springs Eternal! (But at What Cost?)

It's been awhile since I've posted. I've been very distracted by 1.) the birth of Baby Girl, 2.) a week long trip to Peru, 3.) starting back to work, albeit 10-15 hours a week, but still, and 4.) SuperPokePets.

More on ALL of those later...

Monday, early evening, Daughter called, "Mom, it's nothing bad, but I have to talk to you and Dad right away." Well, let me tell you, THAT was the longest 3 minute, one mile drive in history! When we got to Daughter's house, she told us that our Oldest Nephew had been calling her repeatedly and leaving messages, and that they finally got to talk right before she called Tall One and me. O.N. doesn't get on his MySpace account very often, but apparently, about a week ago he did. He is "friends" with D.l.L.ly. He clicked onto her page and noticed that 1.) there were no pictures of O.S., 2.) there were pictures of D.I.L.ly and her "host family", and 3.) she listed her status as "single". Curious and curiouser.

O.N. contacted Daughter for O.S.'s cell phone number, and over the weekend called. D.I.L.ly left O.S. about a month and a half ago, things have been awful for a year. D.I.L.ly told O.S. that she has no feelings for him and doesn't know why they ever got married. I think she may have said she never loved him...but I may be projecting through hearing of this, what, third hand? D.I.L.ly is living with a "host family" (whatever that is) in New England. O.S. is still living with the friend he and D.I.L.ly moved in with originally. O.S. has the dog.

O.S. also told his cousin that he wasn't sure he could ever make things right with his family. Or something eluding to that sentiment. O.N. told him that family always sticks by you, and O.N. would know. He's had his fair share of serious life altering problems...but, we all love him, and we're supporting him the best we know how.

Tied into all of this "information" is the phone call I had with Master's, our younger son's wife, a little over a week ago. She told me that she hasn't talked to D.I.L.ly in a long time, but that she and PhD, our younger son, had a phone call from O.S. a few weeks ago. He was in Ohio, picking up a van that he had purchased, and wanted to stay over at their home on his way to driving back to New England. Master's told me that he was planning on traveling (in the van), and this information was confirmed by O.N.'s phone conversation with O.S. Master's gave no indication that she knew of the separation, or that D.I.L.ly and O.S. were having problems.

So, that's the background information. Now for the emotional turmoil.

1.) (I'm all about numbers, and points of order in this post, aren't I?) I can't believe that our son has to go through this alone. The entire time that D.I.L.ly and O.S. were "officially" an "item" they were virtually inseparable. O.S. was relentlessly and systematically cut off from his friends and family. There were times when we remarked about their obvious lack of a need for anyone, or anything outside of their relationship...but, we were really ok with that, it was just different.

2.) I can't believe that O.S. sold his home, quit a job that he loved, put his possessions into storage and moved hundreds of miles away, to be "abandoned" in less than a year.

3.) My initial reaction was, "Get in the car we'll talk on the road!". I want to see my son.

4.) I'm glad that I wasn't able to act on my first impulse. Through talking with my husband and daughter and her husband, and calling my nephew, I realize that a month and a half of separation isn't that long...and there may be lots of reasons to give O.S. some time. Would it be easier for him to begin renewed contact with a letter or email? Would he actually receive either of those? There was a time when we weren't at all sure that O.S. saw emails, or received phone messages. Could D.I.L.ly still have access to those avenues of communication?

5.) I have no idea what O.S. believes about our estrangement, about the awful stories and our hellacious motives that D.I.L.ly clung to so tenaciously in spite of our best efforts to explain. I have no idea how deeply entrenched the one-sided distortions and outright lies have become, what valid and true memories have been displaced.

6.) Maybe O.S. is somewhat relieved. Although, I would imagine, lost and bewildered.

7.) D.I.L.ly may come back some day.

So, for now we've adopted a "wait and see" attitude. I can't tell you how many times a day I take out my cell phone and just look at it. I have refrained, thus far, from actually scrolling for O.S.'s number. Checking my email has taken on a new urgency. Every time our shop phone rings, I pray.

I don't feel well. Sometimes I can hardly breath. Now, that the opportunity presents itself, I WANT MY SON BACK. I want to talk to him on the phone, go and see where he's been living, take walks with the dog, eat his home made bread, find out about his job, discuss his travel plans, find out if he has cable, or Internet, I want a HUG.

I really can't discuss this with any other family members than the ones already involved. The last times I saw O.S. he was extremely angry with me for "turning the family against" D.I.L.ly (her words, not his). He couldn't understand why I had to talk about things to my mother. Things that D.I.L.ly had talked to her about FIRST. I was doing damage control on a situation I didn't want and hadn't precipitated.

Tall One and Dude are ecstatic! Almost giddy. But, both are realistic. This could take years and D.I.L.ly could come back, and then we would have to distance ourselves again. Daughter is supportive. It hasn't even been 48 hours, and I feel like it's been months.

My hope is that O.S. will reach out on Mother's Day. Or on Tall One's birthday, the next day. Either of those gestures would be huge. Holiday's and birthday's were never a big deal with immediate family. We acknowledge them with a card or gift and perhaps dinner. It's never been a measure of our love for one another, at least in Tall One's or my mind. And, the gesture doesn't have to be to us. If O.S. would call Nana. Or, if I would hear something from PhD. Anything that would indicate that O.S.'s separation was "public". Our nephew told us that O.S. would be making some phone calls this week.

I'm trying to stay cerebral about all of this. When I begin to feel, I find myself completely crushed. Burdened enough to never be able to stand under the weight. I can't even begin to imagine what would happen if I would hear O.S.'s voice on the other end of the phone...but that's what I want more than anything.

What's the Worst That Could Happen?

I'm feeling a bit distracted, well, OK, a lot distracted. Daughter gave us a bit of a scare the other weekend. She's dangerously near the end of her pregnancy. Like Bigger One, and Baby, this Little Girl has dropped and Daughter is in a lot of pain with her "split hips" and general pregnancy related discomfort. Two weekends ago, Daughter spent Sunday on our sofa. She didn't look well. She felt ill, had steady contractions, and we weren't sure if she was starting labor - and, boy if she would have been, it didn't look like it was going to be easy. Fortunately she had a doctor's appointment on Monday. Unfortunately, they couldn't tell her anything. Doc scheduled an ultrasound for Tuesday because Daughter had lost weight and her abdomen wasn't measuring as large as two weeks before. Daughter was still feeling awful, really awful, so Tall One and I kept the boys overnight. This was a blessed relief. They kept me occupied. I was more worried and scared than I wanted to admit. I couldn't even verbalize my concern or helplessness - just deny.

Tuesday morning, Daughter had the ultrasound, all is well with Baby Girl. She was about six pounds. Daughter rested. Dude picked everyone up from my house after work, and the house was too quiet, and I missed the boys.

Wednesday morning Daughter called, she had woke in the night with an ear ache, she was going to the doctor. It turned out she had an ear infection, was put on an antibiotic, and could now take Tylenol since she wasn't in labor. She felt much better, rapidly. I felt much better at a slower pace.

Pins and needles, needles and pins, isn't that an old pop song? I know it's an old cliche. But, that's me. For the last two weeks, I'm hyper in that nonproductive way of nervous anxiety. Fortunately, I worked for Wheeler three mornings this week. That tired me out a bit. And, I went to kickboxing Wednesday evening. That helped, too. But, I'm tremendously unfocused. Raw. Everything seems suspended. I can't quite breathe.

Tall One and I are going to Peru at the end of the month. I haven't even thought about it. I can't. ONE THING AT A TIME. Actually, my one thing at a time involves obsessive escapism. I'm online too much, distracting myself with books and TV shows. Anything to keep from thinking. When I do think, my mind is all over the place. There's an unfocused panic behind my eyes.

But, we don't have much longer to wait. My daughter is incredibly strong. My grandchildren are the delight of my life. On the other hand, in the back of my mind, where I will not go, can not stay, is the black knowledge that I couldn't bear it if Daughter died.

There, I've said it. Will that make it real, or will it now go far, far away where I never have to feel it again?

Hope or No Hope

Disclaimer: I'm not flipping out, finally losing it big-time. I'm amazed that even when things are relatively "quiet", there's still so much happening emotionally. I've really been struggling with sending O.S. a birthday card. And, mostly, because of that I've tried once again to analyze my motivations in our estrangement, and contemplate any ramifications of overt action. Also, sometime in February is the anniversary of the birthday dinner that launched all of the "mayhem and foolishness".

Isn't it "strange" how profoundly a simple pretense can affect us? I was amazed at the strength of the "alarm" I felt when, right before Christmas, D.I.L.ly sent a sarcastic email to some family members. It wasn't sent to me. It mentioned me only by implication. And, yet I felt punched in the gut. I found myself replaying everything, testing again all the decisions and consequences. Wondering, worrying, and internally bleeding.

I worried about the effects on my husband and daughter. I couldn't believe that, in spite of my "sacrifice", staying away and quiet, D.I.L.ly just might try and use me once again to bludgeon O.S.. That she was stirring, that it wasn't ever "over".

I read a book. I've actually read a whole lot of books...but I read one recently that "applies". It's called "The Sociopath Next Door", by Martha Stout. I AM NOT RECOMMENDING THIS BOOK. Read it if you want, it's easily understandable and absolutely fascinating. I read it in one sitting. I couldn't put it down. But, it's DANGEROUS to diagnose, to read anything into this situation without careful, thoughtful, skepticism. For estrangement, any estrangement, there are many causes and theories in abundance! I picked up this book, because, when all my problems with D.I.L.ly began there were strong indications that this was more than a personality conflict or a misunderstanding. D.I.L.ly was exhibiting even physical symptoms that something was seriously "wrong". I considered bi-polar disorder, Borderline Personality Disorder seemed a "better fit". I was strongly advised by our family counselor NOT to assume a diagnosis. I've been studious about that. But, there is something really, really broken or missing in D.I.L.ly. Something vast and frightening, something so HUGE, and yet I missed it or excused it, or ignored it, for over TEN YEARS!

I am not diagnosing my daughter-in-law! What caused me to pick up this book, was the wrongness of D.I.L.ly's emotions and reactions. The utter strangeness of the motivations she put on me, Daughter, and Tall One. The relentlessness. The feeling that nothing short of total annihilation would bring D.I.L.ly "peace". She truly wanted to destroy me. I began locking our doors. Tall One advised Dude to file a police report. I'm not in the habit of overreacting. Tall One is a study in calm apathetic denial.

But, even though I'm not allowed to diagnose, I gleaned some important insights from this book.

1). It was impossible for me to recognize or understand D.I.L.ly's mind. I do not have a point of reference. I could lock myself in a dark room, and by surviving, get a feel for what it's like to be blind. But, I can't take from my mind, the missing, broken part of D.I.L.ly, and then be able to empathize. The only thing I could do, which is common, is excuse, explain, or rationalize her actions within the framework of my experience. I couldn't see this coming. This is beyond my wildest imagination. I didn't fail her by missing something "fixable" or avoidable. It doesn't matter how much I love her, how much I hurt for her. She is beyond my reach.

2). D.I.L.ly is beyond repair. I will never be able to have a relationship with her, and therefore, I will never be able to have a relationship with O.S. while she is his wife. This is how we raised him, for better or worse. This is what we counseled him to do. I am O.S.'s mother, I will always be his mother, nothing will ever change that. But, I will not allow anyone to use me to hurt my children if it's in my power to try and prevent that. I will remove myself from O.S.'s life so that he never has to choose, and so that D.I.L.ly doesn't have the opportunity to rant and harp and make his life a living hell over ME. I will go to extreme lengths to be invisible to D.I.L.ly, so that her focus is off of me, and I am not the one to "cause" her "pain". Sooooooo.....

3). I'm not sending O.S. a birthday card. He will be 29 on February 8. When did a birthday card become a pivotal life changing decision? I can not be a part of O.S.'s life. I do not want a "reconciliation". I don't want my actions misinterpreted. My non-actions will be misinterpreted, I'm almost certain, if D.I.L.ly thinks about it, but her focus is totally self-centered. She has limited "vision". So, if I don't move (don't do anything to draw attention to myself), she may not even think of me.

4). I trust my son. I don't have to deal with the issues of immaturity, and blatant disrespect that some mothers with estranged children struggle. O.S. was extremely angry with me. I've never seen him so angry. But, he was never abusive. And, neither of us has ever said anything to each other that needs to be "undone". Even, as I believe he still loves me, I trust he knows that I love him, and if he needs to, he will be able to make his way back.

5). And if he never makes it "home"? Before the estrangement, when I was locking my doors, and Daughter and Grandsons were practically living at my house when Dude wasn't home, I had to seriously consider the possibility of D.I.L.ly harming - ok, killing, my son. I have no "proof" of violence. She never threatened bodily harm. She never made a move to physically hurt any of us, and yet, it's there, lurking. Shouldn't I just storm their home and drag my son away? Put him in "deprogramming"? Save him? I choose not to. I understand O.S.'s love for D.I.L.ly. I understand that he would gladly sacrifice anything for her. I respect that. He would not thank me. He has to see this through, where ever it goes. And, I have to let him. Ok, this is EXTREME. But, in a less martyr-ish scenario? Even if I do see him again, what will I get back, who will he be? I have to accept that inevitability.

5). I will concentrate on the people that love me, and that I can have in my life. I will continue to reach out to those I can, even though I'm scared.

6). None of this makes it hurt any less.

I don't know that O.S. will ever come back. But, I choose to believe that he will live a good life, find happiness, and prosper. I anticipate emotionally "bleeding" from my unhealed heart quite often in the future. I don't think that D.I.L.ly has a clue. This is how she is, she can't grow a conscience any more than someone can grow a missing limb.