Viva La Sisterhood!

After Tall One read my last post, he came upstairs and told me, "I read your menopause post". I was a little irritated. Ok, I was a lot irritated...if he read what I wrote (and read between the lines) he should know not to speak to me...anyway, I told him, in no uncertain terms, that it was not a "menopause" post. It's all about the cycle, the common travail of the feminine mystic, the sisterhood, blah, blah, blah...

Guess what, it just may be a menopause post. I got my period...mid-cycle. Up to this point, there have been indications that, menstrual-wise, I was approaching the beginning of the end. The cycle isn't always 28 days, consistently. I am bleeding more or less, for longer or shorter periods of time. I missed a whole month recently, and my tubes have been tied since PhD was born, so I KNEW I wasn't pregnant (and I'm early '50's, another really good indicator of mere hormonal fluctuation). I've been having more definite symptoms mid way through the month as documented (again blah, blah, blah). But, I was hoping, really hoping, that everything would just fade away, or better yet, STOP. And, then I could be really smug about "going through the change" au naturel. Sort of like the superiority of experiencing natural childbirth. I could commiserate with my afflicted sisters, nodding sympathetically, and offering sage advice gleaned from the medical websites and Oprah show, secure in my own superior aging processes. No hormone replacement therapy for me, thank you, no hysterectomy, no antidepressants, no problems.

Well, let me tell you about the debilitating lethargy. No seriously. There are days when I struggle to get out of bed. And days when I can't wait to lie down for my THREE HOUR nap!!! I'm cranky. Irritable. And so very, very tired. I can't think, literally...or figuratively, for that matter. I can't think. If you've never experienced this, just let me say right now, you have no idea. I read about the foggy, fuzzy-headedness that some women experience. They fear dementia, tumors, or stroke. They are not exaggerating. It's been so bad that I can't recall names....of immediate family members! I couldn't remember the number of our street address, and I was just out for a walk, thinking idly, not in a pressure situation WHAT-SO-EVER, and we've lived at this address for over TEN YEARS! I don't finish sentences. I either lose track, lack motivation, or can't - for the life of me - express a coherent thought. Don't ask me for directions, don't ask me to explain...anything, and don't - for the love of God - ask me for an opinion. I'm hanging for days by my last nerve.

But, Friday morning I woke up to a song. Happy, happy me. No bleeding, no bloating, no belligerency! I cleaned the house, rearranged the furniture and canned some salsa. I always do the wash, even when I'm feeling particularly miserable, either physically or emotionally. Laundry is something I can handle during the "bad" times, but I did a few loads today, just because I felt so darn good!

I keep track of these ups and downs. I'm hoping I won't have to, too much longer. Then all I'll have to worry about is osteoporosis, facial hair, and vaginal dryness. Be careful what you wish for, eh?

Hormonal Imbalances Not Karma.

I am extremely unmotivated....and very, very tired. I am doing nothing....for days. Baby and Larger One come over and I keep them alive and supplied with "pink milk" and " 'mallows". When they nap - I nap. I can barely get up the curiosity to check my email. I've been reading even more than usual. I think I know the problem. Mid-cycle hormones gone wild.

When I start eating ice-cream at 10am and icing my bread with butter...When the bread is just an excuse to eat the butter, and I lick the knife and think, "damn, that's good"...When I wake up feeling vaguely troubled, like I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop, but the first one hasn't yet, progressing through the day to a dull sadness...Not unlike a dull headache...You're not always conscience of it, but it's always there, taking the sharp edge off of feeling well, or feeling happy. ..I'm restless, agitated, unsettled, but, I nap for three hours in the afternoon anyway...Then, I know there's something seriously unbalanced transpiring. This has NOTHING to do with circumstances. This is purely organic.

And the next day, more of the same only less. I'm ambiguously blase. I don't care in a snarly way, but I'm too numb to verbalize. Probably, if I would do anything I wanted, I would order a large pizza, have it delivered, and spend the day on the sofa eating and reading. I would not have contact with any other human, I would not turn on the TV or listen to music. I might play computer games. I'd probably kick the cat. But, I'm not going to do any of that. That would truly make things worse. Then I'd have to add regret to the long and growing list of negative character traits I seem to be exhibiting at an escalating pace. I'm grumpy, lethargic, petty, ungrateful, negative, guilty, remorseless, antagonistic, needy, dishonest, tactless... You get the point. Now, excuse me while I go eat worms.

Anyway, what I am going to do is what I need to do...no heroics. Dude will be here soon with the boys. They will need dirt piles, and special treats. I have massive amounts of tomatoes to peel and chop. I won't be so ambitious as to actually make or can salsa, but at least the main ingredient will be prepared when I begin to recover my manic equilibrium. I think we will consider pizza for dinner, though.

I wonder about this whole hormonal fiasco we deal with as women. It's these hormones that regulate our sex drive and procreative processes. We need to ovulate, copulate, and either menstruate or gestate, to keep the human race a viable planetary force. How does feeling various shades of crappy, three out of four weeks a month help this along? If there is a supreme maker, or just natural selective species-improving evolution, I'm wondering if he/it couldn't develop a better system? Especially in this enlightened age of feminism?

I'm just glad that I don't have to radically subvert my womanly inconveniences, in order to appear more equally qualified. I'm glad I don't have to suck it up in the board room, deal with cramps and flooding during basic training. It's usually enough just to make it out of bed in the morning, not snap at Tall One, refrain from eating ALL the chocolate in the house, and manage something, anything, productive.

And I know that this is temporary, that it's not fatal, and if I just "keep it together" it'll pass without catastrophic, lasting consequences. My period is still two weeks away...And that's when it really hits the fan...

Resolved....

I've been mulling over a post about personal consequences and responsibility, or perhaps about the newly energized political climate (that would certainly fall under "Bogus"), but I think I'll just write about me.

This is the situation in a nutshell. My daughter and I have come up with this fictitious example in order to explain the estrangement of my son (O.S.) and his wife (D.I.L.ly) from the rest of the family without getting into complicated personal details.

If D.I.L.ly were to witness me saving a child from certain death by pushing him off of the railroad tracks and out of the way of a speeding locomotive, D.I.L.ly would proceed to tell everyone that I abuse small children. She has seen me shove them hard enough to fall down. She would call me on this, and never give me the chance to explain. There would be the constant, "You pushed that child, didn't you, I saw you, you pushed them!" "Yes, but...". "You did, you admit it, you pushed them. And they have scraps on their hands and knees. And you never apologized!" "You're right, but there was a train..." "Can't you just admit what you've done!"........

I have "caused" her to seek personal counseling, couple's counseling, family counseling, mediation, and finally, to move 500 miles away. Every member of our family has been affected. My daughter and her husband have been cursed at and threatened. My grandsons, intimidated. My husband accused. My mother distressed. My relatives and in-laws confused and manipulated. All this, in the cause of stopping me from "turning the family against her" and curing my "severe psychological problems".

I've never been angry. All I've ever wanted to do was support my son and his wife in any way that they would deem acceptable. They could write the book, call the shots. I had no master plan or fore drawn conclusion of how we would interact. I am flexible and accommodating. I am accepting to a fault (that is not to say that I don't have strong opinions, but I know when, where and to whom to articulate them). But I, and other family members were being abused. For us, and for O.S. and D.I.L.ly, this was unacceptable. So now there can be no contact. They have alienated their best and purest support and approval. And, I am sad beyond words for them.

I have thought through each and every possible contingency, for and against. I have imagined and played multitudes of scenarios, joyous and devastating. I have read, meditated, and talked ad nauseam. I can find no regret in my heart for the actions I have taken. There is huge regret for the circumstances and consequences.

Which brings me to the point of this recap. For over a year now, since things began to get really "tense" between O.S., D.I.L.ly and the rest of the family (ie: me), I've been handling my pain, confusion, and utter ineffectual efforts at understanding and reconciliation by self-medicating. I'm by no means an alcoholic (isn't denial one of the symptoms), but I have been really looking forward to that glass of wine with dinner (while preparing dinner) and then another, and sometimes a third. I'd go to bed lethargically sedated, and most often have no trouble falling and staying asleep. There are virtually no consequences. Maybe a little heartburn, a few pounds, and new friends at the liquor store.

But, now I'm tired of the every evening "fuzzy logic". So, two nights ago, I just didn't drink, and last night either. I like the more clearheaded version of me, but I also had a huge problem falling asleep. And with that problem, comes the pain that's been more or less successfully ignored.

This is going to hurt forever, isn't it? Not even in my posts, will I dwell where my mind tends to wander. At least not yet. Not until I'm pretty sure I've made it past the self-medicating stage and am firmly anchored in the much more self-delusionally acceptable social-drinker arena...and, when I have lost the five alcohol related pounds. What a sad, tragic state of affairs.

I want to see my son. I want to comfort my ill and delusional daughter-in-law. This will not happen, and so I've been substituting a bottle of Red Cat, or a huge glass of Dubonnet. But, it isn't a good trade. And, I'm ready to feel unimpeded...

And, I'm a little afraid it's going to get worse, and I better be strong and able to think clearly.