Resolved....

I've been mulling over a post about personal consequences and responsibility, or perhaps about the newly energized political climate (that would certainly fall under "Bogus"), but I think I'll just write about me.

This is the situation in a nutshell. My daughter and I have come up with this fictitious example in order to explain the estrangement of my son (O.S.) and his wife (D.I.L.ly) from the rest of the family without getting into complicated personal details.

If D.I.L.ly were to witness me saving a child from certain death by pushing him off of the railroad tracks and out of the way of a speeding locomotive, D.I.L.ly would proceed to tell everyone that I abuse small children. She has seen me shove them hard enough to fall down. She would call me on this, and never give me the chance to explain. There would be the constant, "You pushed that child, didn't you, I saw you, you pushed them!" "Yes, but...". "You did, you admit it, you pushed them. And they have scraps on their hands and knees. And you never apologized!" "You're right, but there was a train..." "Can't you just admit what you've done!"........

I have "caused" her to seek personal counseling, couple's counseling, family counseling, mediation, and finally, to move 500 miles away. Every member of our family has been affected. My daughter and her husband have been cursed at and threatened. My grandsons, intimidated. My husband accused. My mother distressed. My relatives and in-laws confused and manipulated. All this, in the cause of stopping me from "turning the family against her" and curing my "severe psychological problems".

I've never been angry. All I've ever wanted to do was support my son and his wife in any way that they would deem acceptable. They could write the book, call the shots. I had no master plan or fore drawn conclusion of how we would interact. I am flexible and accommodating. I am accepting to a fault (that is not to say that I don't have strong opinions, but I know when, where and to whom to articulate them). But I, and other family members were being abused. For us, and for O.S. and D.I.L.ly, this was unacceptable. So now there can be no contact. They have alienated their best and purest support and approval. And, I am sad beyond words for them.

I have thought through each and every possible contingency, for and against. I have imagined and played multitudes of scenarios, joyous and devastating. I have read, meditated, and talked ad nauseam. I can find no regret in my heart for the actions I have taken. There is huge regret for the circumstances and consequences.

Which brings me to the point of this recap. For over a year now, since things began to get really "tense" between O.S., D.I.L.ly and the rest of the family (ie: me), I've been handling my pain, confusion, and utter ineffectual efforts at understanding and reconciliation by self-medicating. I'm by no means an alcoholic (isn't denial one of the symptoms), but I have been really looking forward to that glass of wine with dinner (while preparing dinner) and then another, and sometimes a third. I'd go to bed lethargically sedated, and most often have no trouble falling and staying asleep. There are virtually no consequences. Maybe a little heartburn, a few pounds, and new friends at the liquor store.

But, now I'm tired of the every evening "fuzzy logic". So, two nights ago, I just didn't drink, and last night either. I like the more clearheaded version of me, but I also had a huge problem falling asleep. And with that problem, comes the pain that's been more or less successfully ignored.

This is going to hurt forever, isn't it? Not even in my posts, will I dwell where my mind tends to wander. At least not yet. Not until I'm pretty sure I've made it past the self-medicating stage and am firmly anchored in the much more self-delusionally acceptable social-drinker arena...and, when I have lost the five alcohol related pounds. What a sad, tragic state of affairs.

I want to see my son. I want to comfort my ill and delusional daughter-in-law. This will not happen, and so I've been substituting a bottle of Red Cat, or a huge glass of Dubonnet. But, it isn't a good trade. And, I'm ready to feel unimpeded...

And, I'm a little afraid it's going to get worse, and I better be strong and able to think clearly.