Logical Rationalizations

I belong to a support group. I joined a bit ago. It's for mothers with estranged children. It's been helpful. It's been interesting. I think we, the mothers, have a lot in common. I've found our situations to be uncannily similar.

But, there's been a thread of correspondence lately that I can't relate with, so I've been largely silent. I think it is a legitimate emotional feed. I just have no experience. Or, perhaps I have the experience and have moved beyond. I'm sensing that the mothers are searching for the logical, rational, seed that has propelled their offspring to cut off all contact. I have come to the conclusion that seed doesn't exist in my scenario - I'm wondering if it exists at all.

The moms are talking with a great deal of bitterness. Accusations of immaturity, selfishness, self-centered entitlement, unthinking, unfeeling, ungrateful offspring abound - which may be the case. But, in my experience, none of these adjectives apply. O.S. is cleaving to his wife, leaving his mother and father behind. D.I.L.ly is ill, with a warped perspective and incongruous expectations. I don't expect O.S. to act any differently. He is defending, in the only course open to him, his family, his life, his love.

This doesn't make our separation any less painful. Tall One put it so succinctly in counseling, and I paraphrase: Participation in our adult children's lives is our reward, it's not our right. I miss O.S. I miss D.I.L.ly as I knew her in the "before time". I wish I knew about their lives in the northern wilderness. I want to ask about O.S.'s job. He always took such pride in his machined parts. His was truly an act of artistic creation. Is the new shop a supportive work environment? Does he feel fulfilled? Does he like living in a rustic environment? How's the fishing? Is he hiking? Is he cold? Is he well? Is D.I.L.ly painting? Is she happy? Is she well? Are they happy together? What does he look forward to when he wakes up in the morning? What does he look forward to in life? Does he look forward? Does he look back? How's the dog?

I get the impression, from some of the mothers in our group, that, in their minds, the proper course of action on their sons part, would have been to leave their needy, conniving, manipulative, angry, abusive, evil spouses and choose their mothers instead. If the sons had, I believe this would have supported the immature, needy, selfish interpretation of their character. I KNOW how unpleasant these woman (the wives) can be. I KNOW how unreasonable, demonic their actions and reactions are. There is no rational explanation. Imagine, if we mothers are so unnerved, what our sons are dealing with - and they LOVE these women. They've made a life with them. They've taken vows and invested resources. One of them has a child. Can you imagine their anguish? Can you imagine the harping, nagging, screaming, negative innuendos, outright lies that these men have endured constantly. I don't believe that our sons believe the accusations, I believe that they are taking the steps they need to, in order to survive. They have acquiesced. They have learned not to argue, cajole, or disagree.

It takes superhuman strength and incredible external resources to stand strong against the onslaught of negativity and vile allegations of our disturbed daughters-in-law. I barely accomplished it. It takes superhuman strength and incredible internal resources not to run home to the relatively sane, safety and acceptance of mom and hearth. And think of the loss. Our sons are adults. They have moved beyond our kisses and bandaids. I would expect the same support from Tall One. I would expect him to stay no matter how sick, sad or unreasonable I could be. I would expect him to support me. I would applaud his dedication. Can I do any less for my son as he deals with the mental illness of the woman he's chosen to be his mate? Wouldn't I want him to do everything that he could to save himself - even if it meant sacrificing me?

I despair that O.S. is cut off, separated and secluded from a calm center and our support. I fear he's isolated from all rational insight. But, I bore and raised him to move on. I've equipped him to the best of my ability to survive and thrive. I trust my Older Son. He owes me nothing. I have his young lifetime of wonderful, positive memories that haven't been compromised by the holocaust of our estrangement.

I can't convey this emotional information directly to the mother's of estranged sons. I'm not sure it even applies. And my heart bleeds for the mother's of estranged daughters, that's something I can only imagine, and then, those grandmother's estranged from their grandchildren - that I can only anticipate with horror and trepidation.