Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh..............

"Sometimes when things hurt too badly for words, words are the only solace. Comfort may be found in simple things, but only momentarily. My cup of coffee, familiar if not particularly flavorful. A favorite candle. The flame dances, higher or lower, forcefully or gently depending on the height of the wick. It was given to me by a beloved friend. This room with all it’s treasures, gathered from the places my husband and I have traveled, and housing this computer with it’s immediate, impersonal lifeline to the world.
We have not suffered a death. There is no disease, mutilation, or deformity. No physical or financial calamity. There is just loss, deep, incomprehensible, irrational. And fear, how far can this go? How much can I bear?
There is no logical explanation for what we have been going through. I’ve been over each piece till it’s worn smooth and might be almost endured, and then the next shard, completely unanticipated, is driven into that most sensitive place, my heart, my home, my life, and all those I love most dearly.
I don’t even cry, at least not in that abandoned, cathartic, tears running down your cheeks, feel better for it way. Instead, my heart and mind constrict, my eyes well up, but not to overflowing. It’s hard to breath. Inwardly, I keen, silently and tearless. I fathom the ritual of the wake.
I want to understand. How did it start? Why did it start? What causes a person you love, care about deeply, to pull, rip, shred apart your life and damage themselves, possibly irreparably, in the process?
I want to help, to make it all go away, or at least better."

I wrote this August 7, 2007 at 4:12am. Things have gotten worse, much worse, in all the worst ways, at all the worst times.