No Regrets.

Well, this morning turned out to be a little slice of my own personal hell. I slept poorly. I had recurring dreams where I would try to call out warnings, but couldn't make any sounds. When I'd wake up, I'd feel nauseous. I really thought of food poisoning, but I'm better this morning. No more nausea anyway.

I followed my normal routine, until I got the phone call from MomMom. She's my mother-in-law. She deserves a page in "Excellent Adventures". She's one of the "good guys". She called to tell me about "The-First-Great-Goodbye-Pig-Roast" hosted by O.S. and D.I.L.ly. They have sold their home, stored their furniture, and are moving to New Hampshire. I am glad and relieved. I did not attend. The reasons will most likely come clear over time in future posts. MomMom knows that there are "issues", but this morning I told her that the situation goes far beyond a familial misunderstanding. There is no common ground for reconciliation. There probably never will be. I love my son and his wife. I just won't live with them anymore (I never literally lived with them, I'm talking in the metaphorical sense). I'm done being manipulated, I'm over any sense of guilt or responsibility, I won't stand the abuse. And I do mean abuse in the literal sense. The blame and accusations, the misrepresentation of fact and the misinterpretation of motives is over. I no longer want to talk, I can't listen. I wish them well in their life, not in mine. I'm having to say this to a grandmother, a mother, a woman with feelings and hurts I can't begin to understand. But, I'm understanding my own hurts pretty well, so my imagination of her pain isn't pretty. We ended the conversation as we always do, with cordial love.

Take a deep breath and answer Nana's call. My mother, a grandmother as well, embroiled in this situation, not of my choosing. She's suffering, too. She's had a front row seat to this attempted annihilation. She got involved over a year ago, when D.I.L.ly choose her as a trusted confidant. Nana got a phone call yesterday from O.S. He can't bear to leave for the New Hampshire wilderness without seeing her and saying goodbye (Nana did not attend the Pig Roast Party either, and the lack of her attendance is laid squarely at my feet). So, he will stop by sometime after work. Nana told him to come alone. We'll see. This doesn't feel over.

So, now I've done my best to comfort the two grandmothers. Daughter and Surfer Dude are justifiably angry, annoyed, and disillusioned. They are carrying a huge load of offense for me. I don't want them to do anything regrettable, because they have nothing to be sorry for so far. And we're coming down to the wire. D.I.L.ly really does deserve any retribution she may incur from all the pain and hurt and destruction she has wreaked, but my heart's desire is that she be left to go quietly into the night.

I can't save my son. I can't save D.I.L.ly. They will just pull me under the water with their flailing...and I will drown.

No regrets. I have 25 years of memories that will never be taken from me. Some truly good and fine moments with O.S. and D.I.L.ly, separately and as a couple, that I will always treasure. I still defend them, but not their actions. I still like to hear about their life, just not directly. I've sacrificed nothing that I wasn't willing to surrender. They've taken nothing but what I've chosen to give. This is my choice, given the options.