The Fun House Mirror

My dreams were indicative of my waking emotional state. Settling for instant gratification...Contemplating shoplifting birthday party favors for my grown nephews...Sandra Bullock at the grocery check-out, opening and explaining all my purchases...Spending too much money. In the light of day, there may be rational explanations for my restless dreaming. Too much to drink, too much to eat and watching the end of "Marie Antoinette", visually beautiful, but disturbing and depressing, just before going to sleep. On Sandra Bullock, I'm completely stunned.

I woke up in a foul mood, full of self-loathing and self-doubt. This doesn't happen often, but it's terribly troubling today. I wonder who I've offended, who I've put off. Am I really so self absorbed and selfish that I can't see beyond my own wants and desires? I don't believe that I see myself correctly. Do any of us? We see through the filter of others, our own perceptions and prejudices, and the veil of fantasy with which we surround ourselves. It's how most of us survive.

Daughter called to tell me a "gym story". In her late teens, Daughter was a competitive body builder. She's still very physically active and works at the gym a few hours a week. One of the ladies that she's known from her body building days, a former competitor herself, was in for her workout. Daughter and Former Competitor were talking about kids and summer activities and Former Competitor told Daughter that her children go to the pool everyday with their father. Former Competitor doesn't go. She won't wear a bathing suit. This is a fit, firm, low body fat, workout fanatic, with an impressive boob job. She would look amazing in a bathing suit. And, yet, she chooses not to spend pool time with her husband and children. I don't think that she's making this decision for positive life affirming reasons, like not making the rest of us look awful, or not enticing men-not-her-husband to lust. I have a strong feeling that how she sees herself, physically, is extremely distorted in an unflattering way. This is an all too frequent phenomenon. I don't believe it's any different with our character or personality. We're looking in a fun house mirror.

So what's true for me? How do I gauge my own obnoxiousness? Am I compassionate or perceptive, intelligent, wise? Or am I just a major fuck up, gaily moving through the world causing offense and damaged feelings? Could I be doing ill, thinking that I'm ok? I know that I'm not perfect. There are things that I'm aware of and working on changing right now. I don't set out to purposely hurt people. I try hard not to judge. I smile. I'm competent in the day-to-day minutia of life. I can use a computer, cell phone, and program a DVR. I love.

Some days that's not enough. But, so far, I'm not afraid enough of negative consequences not to act. As insecure as this day began, I've talked to Daughter and Dude, walked with Tall One, briefly related to business clients in a professional and friendly manner. I've tried to brighten Nana's day during our phone conversations. I cleaned, did laundry, and took out the trash. I showered, brushed my teeth, made the bed, watched TV, and ate ice cream. This is not a chronological list. Nor is it complete. But in all I've done or tried to be, I've to the best of my ability behaved honorably. I haven't lied for personal gain. I haven't cheated. I haven't yelled obscenities at small children or kicked puppies. I don't hate.

Perhaps the fun house mirror is the best we can hope. Some days we can laugh hysterically at the clownish distortions, other days we howl at the grotesque image leering back at us. Most days, thank God, I don't even have time to look.