Economic stress

Hurray, we have a new grand Glorious Leader to usher us into an economic crisis of grand proportions. Our promised tax cuts will never materialize, but the news media tells me that I'm ok with that. We're all willing to sacrifice.

And, frankly, I'm not worried on a global level. We've been through lean times, relying on thrift and creativity. Materially, we may have more to lose than we did three decades ago, but I'm not overly emotionally attached to our belongings. I can always take pictures if I need the memories...and then promptly download them from the camera and forever forget about them...I'm not particularly sentimental.

But, Tall One is thinking ahead, and the possibility that I become gainfully employed looms large in his conscience. I'm not opposed to this. There are alot of things I can do. I just want to make sure this is a necessary step. I've started and stopped so many things, and they've all been legitimate. I worked in insurance before we were married and for a short time after. I clerked at Tall One's family's deli counter. I had a part time mall job to pay for groceries that lasted about six weeks when the kids were small and we were really just starting the business. I babysat full time for maybe a year and then part time for another year when our sons were in kindergarten. That was brutally hard to quit. I felt as if I was leaving everyone down, including myself. I've become motivated to, and then unmotivated, take a bigger part in the business. I've done sewing alterations, made dolls, and worked twelve years as a personal assistant to Wheeler. But, Wheeler was hit-and-miss in the financial remuneration department. I went back to work for Wheeler - for real documented money - to pay for Daughter's wedding. I've been more than ok with all of this.

The "problem" is...I always come home. I think it's where I'm best. It seems as if it's where I'm the most profitable. I love being available. I think that's my gift. I just don't know.

If I go back to work for Wheeler, how long will it last? I can start, but can I stop again? It would be the most convenient, practical solution to earning a little (and it would be little) extra. He's part of the family. The situation would mostly flow. But, do I have the energy for the long haul? I can barely answer his occasional emergency call in the night...something I used to do automatically. And, if I need more hours, more money, and need to get something that pays more and provides a full time position, or if I just can't physically hack it, that would leave him in a situation that we've found ourselves in before, and it's more than just inconvenient. It's an unfair loss- on many levels - for us, both.

Should I search out something full-time? That would necessitate a life-style reorientation for not only me, but, Tall One, Daughter and grandsons, and Nana. I would be much less "available". I think the ramifications would be more profound than we anticipate. Which is ok, but is it expedient? Can I gain enough financially to make the alternatives worthwhile. I'd lose time with my grandsons and daughter. I would miss that, so would they. I would be more tired, sick and lethargic than I already am. Tall One would take up the slack, but he shouldn't have to, and again, is it worth the price? And Nana would be "more independent" once again. The stress of reassuring her would double, something I struggle with already and only manage with the support of Daughter, and Tall One, and they would be less able to compensate.

I would not have a fulfilling career in any endeavor other than Wheeler. I would have a job. Something I would do well, but certainly not passionately, and I am passionate about my day-to-day drudgery right now.

What to do? What to do?

I'll probably sit on it for the weekend. Wheeler is my first choice. But I want to be fair. To everyone. I need a crystal ball...