Semantics.

Let's talk semantics. I've been pondering a few grievous misconceptions in our "estrangement scenario", but, I think they also apply politically, and perhaps globally. I think many people may get into "trouble" by "misunderstanding".

When we first became aware of serious problems between ourselves and D.I.L.ly, we often heard the mantra, "My family is different." Our son took pains to explain this in simple language, speaking slowly, and clearly, so that we could perhaps absorb it into our thickened, warped minds, "D.I.L.ly's...family...is...different." I took this to mean that there were some aspects of our familial interaction that were unfamiliar or even uncomfortable for D.I.L.ly and that these were issues we could work on, compromise in, and come to understand and accept. I found this a bit disturbing, because, D.I.L.ly had been intimately familiar with our family and how it functioned for nigh on 10 years at this point, but, hey, this seemed a reasonable "demand". We should certainly work out a comfortable way to socially interact.

I have come to realize that "different" does not mean "not alike in character or quality" or even "not ordinary; unusual". In the universal language of D.I.L.ly, different means "wrong". There is no amount of familiarity, understanding or compromise that will change D.I.L.ly's perception of our family as "wrong". There can be no acceptance. WE must change, conform, acquiesce, and surrender.

This understanding on a small personal level has helped me to apply this misunderstanding in a much larger format. Be it race, gender, sexual orientation, religion, appearance...different is just different. NOT wrong. Wrong is Wrong. And there is much that is. But, not just being different.

There is also the question of "equal". "In my family everyone was treated equally", D.I.L.ly told us. Again, I pondered this. Because my daughter and I have a good, close, supportive relationship and because we spend lots of time together was I inflicting D.I.L.ly with the same expectations? Or, was I short changing my sons by not spending most days with them or calling more frequently or confiding, or shopping? Should I be buying my childless offspring and their spouses diapers, or the equivalent?

No, D.I.L.ly didn't want me to spend more time with her. She wanted me to spend less with my daughter so things would be equal. It would truly be creepy to have the same kind of relationship with my sons, so I wasn't to have the relationship I do with my daughter. I wasn't to buy diapers for my grandsons because my other children don't have children, and this isn't equal.

"Equal" is not the same as "fair". And I have always treated my children fairly. They all have different needs, different desires, different wants, and I've tried to meet those expectations. Do I always succeed? Of course not. But I always try.

Would it be fair to sacrifice my relationship with my daughter and her children for the appearance of equality. NO. Would it be fair to inflict D.I.L.ly and my son with my presence when they have always been much more self contained and assertive with their "independence" and "need for privacy". NO. I'm not convinced, no, I'm opposed to bowing to the lowest common relational denominator. I want to provide what my family needs, what's fair, not what's equal.

One of my children needed more help with homework, should I have inflicted the two that didn't with my interference? Or should I have let the one flounder because the others moved ahead? Two of my children went to college. We helped. The other needed space, physical space, in our yard and garage and we provided, gave, encouraged that, probably at more of an expense than a formal education. None of this is "equal", but it is all fair. It is all profitable. It is all love.

There is a global application here, too. We aren't all equal. We can't be treated equally. We can be recognized as individuals with separate abilities, needs, goals, and personalities. We can strive for fairness, we won't always succeed. We mustn't settle for the lowest common denominator, and sacrifice the stellar possibilities.